then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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