I smell stomach acid.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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can u get pink eye on your cock?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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