hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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