If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
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I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
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