My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize