It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
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you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
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