I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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