Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He literally asked permission to hit on me
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize