How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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