I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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