You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
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Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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