After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize