I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
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Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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