He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am midnight drunk by noon
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
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it glows. i had to have it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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