I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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