Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
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Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
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I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize