He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
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there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
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