She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
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Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
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She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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