between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
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The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
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Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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