Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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