I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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