Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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