I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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