I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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