oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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