he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
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Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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