i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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