If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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