You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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