Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
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he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
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Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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