my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
