I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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