woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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