I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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