Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
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I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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