It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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