That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
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It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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