the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
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I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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