Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
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I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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