Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
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So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
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i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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