Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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