I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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