I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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