She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
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Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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