you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
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He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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