Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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