Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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