6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
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he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
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We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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