Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize