So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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